Hermione Sandwich
by Domidan
Summary: Do you enjoy lunch time pleasures? And magic? And twinkles? And professors? Then, THIS is for the sole purpose of your reading pleasure. By the way, our title is a double entendre, and so you must read to discover the layers of this cheeselettuceonion SW!


Domidan is back.

And bringing sexy with them.

As they tell the erotic tale in which we call:

Hermione Sandwich

Dun Dun DUN

Chapter One!!!

Two Sides to Wonder Bread

It was a dull, gloomy evening in the dull, gloomy classroom of Professor Binn and his dull, gloomy never-ending, ever-progressing, always impending history lecture… on Goblin's breeding rights. And between the dull, gloomy faces of Harry Potter and Ron Weasley sat a suspiciously cheerful Hermione Granger humming a strange tune. And even more suspicious about her suspiciousness was she could not give her suspiciously undivided attention to the dull, gloomy voice at the front of the class, and so she sang:

"Snape. Snape. Severus Snape."

Ron turned to Harry. "Wha's she on about?"

Harry shrugged and stared at Malfoy.

"Lupin! Lupin! Re-e-emus Lupin!" She mumbled/sang a little louder.

"Dumbledore!!!!!!!!!!" came a very over-enthusiastic, boisterous cry from Albus himself as he bounded through the doorway.

"Yaaayyyyayayayyayyyyy!" cried the class.

"We're not going to die!" cried Neville.

Out of nowhere, a filthy Argus Filch popped his head in the door, followed by his pussy, sneering…"Don't be so sure."

Dumbledore, oblivious to everything except his twinkling path to Miss Granger, stopped purposely in front of the young humming witch.

"Hermione Manwich," he gleamed, "May I request a private meeting with you?"

"Manwhich?" A quizzical Ron consulted a very much distracted Harry.

"Mmm…Draco…with mayonnaise," Harry drooled. "And perhaps a bit of custard."

"Quickly, child…" Dumbledore gleamed yet again, "We've no time to waste."

Hermione quickly bounded from her seat, trailing after a sparkly Dumbledore. Ron and Harry were close on her heels…much too close. She could smell the delicious scent of their eyebrow flakes. Mmm…yes…flakes and lard.

Dumbledore whirled around, his gleaming face of gleamyness slightly faltering in his urgency.

"Potter! Weasley! Maintain your positions!"

Defeated, the two alternate universe, seventh year Gryffindors returned slowly to their seats. Ron sighed, but Harry had no problems resuming his adoring, fantastical, stalker-like daydreaming of Draco Malfoy naked, in a pink construction helmet.

Hermione quickly skipped along, keeping in stride with Dumbledore as they climbed a strenuous amount of steps and staircases and floors and buildings… except not. Because they were always in the same building, or castle rather. Castle! Eventually, when it seemed they had settled on one floor- the seventh floor, of course- Dumbledore led them down corridor after corridor. Hermione, then, became slightly agitated with what appeared to be an agitatingly circular path.

"Umm… professor? I do believe we have already been down this corridor. About eight times now, to be precise."

Dumbledore said nothing, still gleaming, still twinkling ever so carefully.

"Ummm…" Hermione tried again. "Do you think we might ever plan on stopping?"

"AHAA!!!!" he exclaimed, abruptly throwing himself in front of a door that he had NOT passed three times back and forth, thinking hard with a purpose. He raised his arms and gestured towards that Hermione girl who it appeared had been stalking him this whole way. "And now… what we've all been waiting for…"

"What's that… professor?" whispered an eager and slightly turned on Hermione.

"Your destiny…" said an even quieter, but equally enthused Dumbledore.

And in a randomly, but very timely fashion, he dipped his hand into his waistband and produced a large… appetizing… mouth-watering… jaw-dropping… deliciously enticing… cheese and lettuce and onion… SANDWICH.

"But professor… what am I to do with a-"

But he was already gone.

The cheese and lettuce and onion, or onion and cheese and lettuce, if you prefer, seemed to be juicily smashed between two very pale, very moist halves of Wonder Bread ™. Upon closer, dumbfounded inspection, the pieces of bread seemed also to bear two very distinct faces. One slice boasted the handsome image of a sensitively sexy werewolf, one Remus Lupin. As she gazed, entranced at the piece of bread, Lupin's sensitively sexy mouth opened and released a guttural howl at her.

Upon this discovery, Hermione nearly fainted with instant arousal. She was overcome by a burst of fiery longing in her loins, and promptly dropped her sandwich, following its pale path to the corridor floor. "Mmm…Lupin…" she muttered as she randomly lost consciousness, failing to notice the cushiony pillow she had fallen onto was none other than the slice of bread bearing a greasy, pale, hook-nosed, and oddly alluring image of the Potion's Master…Severus Snape.

Hermione lay sprawled on the cold stone, surrounded in a pool of her own warm bodily fluids. Her robes dampened, a strong odor permeated the air around her collapsed person.

"Merlin's balls, Lupin, can't you brew your own Wolfsba – bloody hell."

"I've told you, Severus, I – what the fuck."

Snape, momentarily surprised by Lupin's uncharacteristic vulgar outcry, found himself skidding in Hermione's puddle of yearning.

Lupin, in his heroic attempt to rescue one dear Snivellusly Severus (and also, to redeem his previously tainted word choice), lost his footing and unceremoniously fell upon the two collapsed- and now, very dampened- bodies.

"Oh, get off me, wolf boy!" Snape sneered, struggling to rise. "What… what IS this…?"

"It… It appears to be… " Lupin paused, allowing Hermione's smelly substance to envelop his entire being as he came to a very disturbing and yet, intensely arousing realization… "Ah. Oooh… Mmm."

"Wha- ah. Uhhh… hm."

"Musky."

Both Lupin and Snape turned at the very much unexpected, incredibly random, curiously strange and outrageous appearance of the supposed male, Blaise Zambini.

The two men stared blankly as Blaise gave a quick, overly joyful thumbs-up and pranced off into nothingness. The boy was quickly forgotten as Remus and Severus returned their attention to the unconscious woman lying vulnerably beneath them.

"We should help her up… you know, get her to Madam Pomphrey or something… to make sure she's well," suggested Remus, yet again using this opportunity to reveal the truly sensitive good guy within him.

"I suppose…" Snape agreed, sounding rather put out, but trying not to considering he shouldn't be put out for getting the Granger brat out of his hair. But he always sounded put out anyway, so it didn't matter and nobody noticed.

"And in doing so," Remus continued. "We shall be the men Dumbledore once assumed us to be when he hired us for a job requiring much trustworthiness and self-control… without all the sex fantasies… under the desk…"

"In the dungeons…"

"Against the book shelves…"

"And the blackboard."

Both men suddenly remembered themselves and cleared their throats loudly.

"Yes, well, I suppose I'll lift her head and… and well, you get the rest of her…"

"Uh, alright," said Severus, but just as Hermione's mass of insanely tangled and sexily wild curls left the stone floor, he spotted what appeared to be a- wait, it couldn't be… why would there be a…

Hermione's eyes began to flutter as Remus cradled her head- and only her head for touching any other part of her would be considered sexual harassment and Remus would be fired for sure.

He gazed into her intelligently fiery eyes. "Hermione…?"

"Sandwich!" exclaimed Severus in an uncharacteristically giddy tone. "Make her unconscious again," he commanded.

Remus quickly obeyed, turning his attention to Snape's unprecedented discovery, which was also dampened with Hermione's yearning… and which appeared to symbolically symbolize the dangerously large puddle of desire they all found themselves helplessly trying to avoid.

But everyone was drowning.

Nooooooow… review!!!! Thanks!!!! YAy!!!!!


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